San Francisco, thank you for clapping for what my parents are ashamed of.
Oh San Francisco, my third favorite city to do comedy in. huh? That’s not bad right? Top ten congratulations.
More butt fucking per square foot, then in any place in the world, that’s you guys.
Put that on your post cards, "San Francisco, more butt fucking per square foot. Miss you."
Now if you've never seen me perform before I am not good live, heads up.
If I offend anybody tonight I apologize, that is not my intention, I'm not gonna guess what your personal line of decency is, I cross my own from time to time, its how I know I still have one.
I have no problem with illegal immigration in this country, except for the fact that they don't serve on jury duty. That is horse shit.
It should be the other way around; they should serve exclusively on jury duty. Yea!
Then, it finally would be a jury of ones own peers.
It’s not a stereotype if it’s always true, yea, then it becomes law.
Sometimes before I walk on stage my girlfriend might say "Have a good show, break a leg." this is what she said to me a few weeks ago right before I walked on stage she goes, "Hey you ever worry about getting shot when you're out there?" I'm like "what the hell is wrong with you?" she followed it with "you should move around more." uh, you should go back to reading your vampire books. I should move around more? As if a sniper would get frustrated like "I can't keep up, he lives."
You ever scratch your girlfriend with a hangnail and pretend you're wolverine? She’s like "knock it off." I'm like "you made me like this."
Then you run into the woods, you're naked, you gotta figure things out. Where’d you come from? Why are you wearing dog tags? Did I serve?
A lot of times people complain that their significant other takes too long to get reedy to go out at nigh. I've never had that complaint. And I think its because I never want to go anywhere. So I could care less how long it takes her to get ready, that’s just less time I have to spend with her horrible friends pretending that I don't wanna kill myself, yea. She’ll take an hour and a half to get ready come down and be like "oh my goodness you were so patient." ill be like " for what? You look disgusting." Right? Yea now she's crying. Whatever, I bought myself an extra two hours to watch the game. Ha-ha yea, its not like she's gonna break up with me. She’s ten years younger she's one opinion away from being replaced. I can say that, I have a television show. Yea the power in our household has shifted dramatically.