Yeah. Oh, my kids, my kids, my kids are into Hanson now. Ohhh, you have no idea. You know how kids like to play the same song over and over again. Mmbop, mmbop, mmbop. And the funny thing is I've actually come to love Hanson because of it, and I'll tell you why. You know why? Because these kids are a giant rehab festival just waiting to happen. Oh yeah. They are gonna crash and burn so quickly, it's gonna be fucking great. Their parents might as well call Liz and Gary Coleman right now and have a meeting. I can't wait... especially the drummer. What's he, six? Oh yeah, great, oh yeah. Oh, he's going down, mark my words, oh yeah. They're gonna find him in a motel room with a hooker and an eight ball, mark my words. Mark my words! Yeah. He's actually gonna be all the way up INSIDE the hooker's vagina, you know what I mean? They're gonna have to pull him out. "Come out of there! What are you doin'?" "I don't know! I'm six and I have credit cards, what the fuck!" Mmbop, eeumbop, eeumbop-ee...
"Boom-shaka-laka-laka, Boom-shaka-laka-laka, CAW, CAW, CAW, CAW, cock-a-doodle-doo!"
I got good kids. I love my kids. I'm trying to bring 'em up the right way; not spanking them. I find I don't have to spank them. I find that waving the gun around pretty much gets the same job done, mm-hmm... Because they're trying to kill me, they are! You know, I try to explain the rules to them, but rules go in one ear and out the other. Close the door! How hard can it be to remember to close the door? You just open it, you close it behind you. I have a dog, I've seen him close the door with his nose! And he's a DOG! Apparently a kid's dream house is just a house with NO doors. The leaves blow in, there's bats flying around there, they don't care.
We started out with two kids, now we think there's twelve. I'm starting to think that other parents are dropping their kids off at my house so they can puke, shit their pants, break their house, and then leave. That's what the dog told me. They are unbelievable. You know, if you don't have kids, I don't know how to describe 'em to you, I really don't. I don't know how to describe it to you. It's like, uh, I don't know what it's like. It's like, it's like having drunken midgets around the house, that's what it's like, folks. It's like a rodeo clown car pulled up, and fifteen rodeo clowns got out, and they're running around, and you can't catch 'em. It's like there's monkeys on acid hanging off the lights, and you can't reach 'em. You keep thinking that they're gonna wake up one day and they go, "Oh, now I know the rules," but they don't. They just listen to "Mmmbop" over and over again. Every day, it's the same thing. It always starts the same exact way. "Close the door. Hey, gimme that bag of Oreos, you're not having Oreos for breakfast. No TV right now. Close the door. No, leave the dog alone. Would you please find your shoes? Gimme that bag of Oreos! Find your shoes, you put your shoes on. I don't know where your shoes are, I didn't have your shoes on. Close the door. Put that--no, don't cut the dog's hair right now! Come on... those are his shoes, go tell him you have his shoes and then find your shoes. Close that door. Put the phone down. Who are you calling, you're too young to call anybody. Don't feed Oreos to the dog, gimme that bag of Oreos! No! Close that door! No no no, those ARE your shoes. They have to be! Who are you? I want ID, let me see some ID."
And your life, immediately when they hit age five, becomes about quiet. You just want peace and quiet. That's all you want, you want the fighting to stop. "Can't we all just get along?" You turn into Rodney King, you do.
If you don't have kids, take this note down: don't buy the toys that make the noise. That's the key thing. If there's a toy with a button on it that makes noise, they're gonna press that button like Bart Simpson over and over again, for days at a time. BLAT BLAT BLAT BLAT BLAT BLAT! Their friends come over. "Hey, cool! BLAT BLAT BLAT BLAT!" Oh, my God! So you stop buying the toys that make the noise. Then you know what happens? The INLAWS buy the toys that make the noise, they drop 'em off at your house and then they LEAVE! And you're stuck with the toys that make the noise!
Use the Force, Luke [breathing